Long break

has it been...but will probably not be a frequent writer anyway...today I actually feel pleased with me and my self. Sun is shining so at my walk I could take off my jacket and not freeze :)))

Have been to my therapist also today and for the first time I felt he maybe isnt a weirdo after all. Maybe cause he said stuff I liked to hear this time ;) Before Ive seen him as a besserwisser who tries to tell me what to do. He did sort of today also but this time I saw it more constructively. He gave me stuff to think about.

I have also been in watching for jobs. Not many to apply for but Im consider some of them after all. England is anyway more pleasant than Sweden even that it isnt my dreamcountry to move at. But if I want a job that suits my education its UK or Ireland I must choose. Right now Im a little bit unsecure and thinking back and forward. Maybe its better to wait til I get back from my voulonteering trip, at the same time Im unpatient and want to make something as soon as possible. Guess I will have to wait and see if this good mood stays a bit longer :)

Life sucks sometimes

Sometimes its like all powers go together to make my life miserable...my biological mother died two weeks ago. I went to Germany for her funeral and brought back her ashes to Sweden. She wanted to be spread over the Alpes but the laws in Germany or Austria dont allow that. Second option was to get back to Sweden where grandma is buried.

When passing the security gates at the airport I expected trouble but when they found out it was ashes they just let us pass. The toll guards didnt know what to do so they also just let us pass. Took a glance at the paper, put a stamp in it and nothing more.

Finally at home a lot of phonecalls to find out what to do with the ashes. The laws dont allow keeping it at home so went pretty anxious before I knew I had to go to the cremation place (the place they burn dead people at) and leave her there.

I have always seen people that keep their relatives ashes at home are a bit disturbed. At this moment I totally understand them. I had her next to me for some days and I felt close to her. It was really hard to give the ashes away.

After all our time in Germany were pleasant. Finally I met my younger brother who I havent seen for 20 years. All family (almost) got together which despite the occasion were nice. To bad something bad must happen to be able to meet.

On Monday I start therapy again and the thing with my mother ends a chapter in my life. I will never get any answers from her now.

And to make things a little more fun, I think I lost one of my best friends. In fact its strange to call that person a friend since we havent met for many years and dont really know eachother. But I felt an instant connection and thought we would be there for eachother. It hurts when that dont happen because we have bad times in our lives at the same time. Both are egocentric at the moment and that make we talk pass eachother instead of supporting the other one.

Anyway, I feel really sad over that but I take the blame for my part in it. Its never ones fault when two persons argue. Nevertheless its sad and I dont want it to be that way, but I must continue my journey with therapy and hopefully be a whole person in the end.

Gah, my english sucks and I feel in a terrible mood right now so pretty much whyning (whining?) at the moment. Good news is though that my youngest son got a job! He likes it and have been working two months now. And he held me company on the trip now.

Crap

I´m back from Germany with my mothers ashes...and I feel actually terrible...when I was there I felt close to her and enjoyed being close to my relatives...now when I´m back home I just feel sad...

Death...and life...

Sorry for not have been writing lately...last thursday I got this phonecall that my mother passed away...not actually a surprise since she have been in coma for the last four years but somehow i expected her to be in that state for some more years. I cant tell why, but she her self was sure she will die in May and guess i somehow put my mind to that.

Anyway, I had to pack my bags and arrange for a flight to Germany, luckily my youngest son was able to go with me. So here we are, we took a last goodbye yesterday and now they will burn her and we get her ashes on friday before we fly home on Saturday...we will bring her back to Sweden...somehow a weird feeling but...

Besides that we actually have a pleasant time in Germany, we in family dont meet often and this time I got to meet my youngest brother whom I havent seen for 20 years. he is a lovely person and I regret that I havent been more pushy to see him sooner. His wife is also lovely and they have four, also lovely, kids! He reminds me of my brother in sweden and my son so I just love him! My elder brother is like my brother in Sweden and he and his wife gets us to feel very velcomed. My sister who actually took days off from work hasnt been able to see us much yet. Her car crashed just to make it worse. But we have seen eachother most before so guess and hope she isnt to upset over it.

Tomorrow my mums husband will take care of us and then we will see my sister as well, but it feels somehow unpolite when she took days off and we havent been able to be with her. jaja...again...shit happens all the time...

Despite the circumstances I´m happy to meet all in my family...we dont see eachother very often and its a pleasure to see them all and they make me realise I actually do have a family :) I dont feel that very often since we arent brought up together as a family. Anyway I love them all!!!

separating my blog

I will separate the blogs since I´ve been trying to keep my other blog in swedish but now I must start write more in english so I will use this for that. From the beginning I tried to separate my different issues but it dont work very well so in here I will talk about everything or nothing. This was supposed to be a more happy one but...jaja...shit the same...

Last days therapy

I have been walking a lot today, or a lot but around two hours just to get something out of my system. Not that I succeeded but anyway. Bittersweet I maybe can loose a pound or two from all this. Today I thought my shrink is an idiot. He keeps nagging at me to take out my university diploma and I dont understand why. He says its good for me to see I have acchieved something that not anyone can do. As I see it anyone can go to the university and get a diploma. In that case he can nag how much he will, I probably never is going to take it out unless I need it for something. I know I have done it and dont need a paper of it.

He also tells me I must work actively and force my self to do stuff. Right now its hard enough to go to work. When I get back home I´m exhausted and dont want to do anything more. I told him I didnt wanted to go to him today and forced me to do that. I rather wanted to be home in bed. Then he wonders why since I dont sleep anyway. He keeps asking this uncomfortable questions and I hate him for that. At the same time he probably is doing his job. But I get the feeling he thinks I´m a spoiled child that dont want to do anything. I´m not!

Yea, I react like a child many times, cause I dont know how to react. Today I sat quiet most of the time and that made us quit sooner than we are supposed to. Somehow he dont realise I actually cant tell whats inside me right now. Or my feeling is he dont realises that. I just feel empty at the same time as my mind is working hard from one subject to another. All my childhood is passing through my brain. All the presence do the same. My brain cant handle it, it collapses. I´m really scared I will go nuts for real.

He told me I wouldnt be there if I were nuts for real. Its very common that people reacts this way when they start to dig in their passed. But that dont make me feel any better, maybe thats what I want? I want him to be nice and understanding instead of a bulldozer. Hmm...in the beginning I told him I want straightforwardness so guess Im to blame too...*sighs*...actually he said a lot of positive stuff but my conclusion of today is that he thinks I just feel sorry for my self. Yes, I do today! Why cant I be allowed to do that? Tomorrow I have to be that happy person again so I think I deserve a day of self pitty once and a while.

The state here have also decided that all children who have been raised in different kinds of fostercare are going to get a public excuse and maybe some symbolic sum of money for their suffering. At the most 25 000 euro and he told me I must apply. Sure, money is money but somehow it feels so silly, how are they going to value who have had it the worst? Anyway its symbolic cause you cant value a persons life in money. In my case (if I get the highest amount)my life is valued to 2500 euros per year...counted at 10 years...I lived in fostercare for 15 years. After that my life still were controlled until I was 30 so I dont know...

Sure, the state is taking their blame, they did wrong and didnt check out their homes properly and they now admit they did wrong. He said its not very common so its a victory. Why dont I feel that? I want to live happily ever after and my childhood have destroyed a lot of my life. How can I take it as a victory? I´m glad that it hopefully helps coming generations. But for me its to late anyhow...yea, I´m terribly bitter, that he also told me and when I see what I just wrote I must agree.

Just hope that tomorrow is another day...

long time...

havent been in for a while now...weekends and work have taken my time...and some other stuff too...

At the moment I´m trying to find me a volounteer place this summer, right now it looks like it will be Africa or India. I have seen some interesting projects I will look closer at.

I´ve started therapy for my childhood, hopefully it can make me understand my self a bit better, who knows, I might be doomed to be wicked forever ;)